the joys of my day..

yeah right.
I am having a tough day.
so much on my mind.
it sucks to say that i am in a bad place right now.
i don't think I have been so upset/sad/depressed in a long time.
October is no longer a happy time.
so much loss.
I miss my nephew. I think of his memorial service and what comes to mind is Damien.
That was the last time we were together. That was the last time my family saw him alive..then a year later in October he was gone. Tomorrow the 28th will be 2 years since he left this earth and yes I want to tell the world to fuck off and leave me the hell alone right now. I miss him; how do you share with others that I at such a young age loved and lost my best friend. Even though Damien and I were separated and I had moved on you all don't know what all happened in those 10 years..
I met him by chance..it was crazy lust turned into crazy love. The kind that is not healthy but what the hell your young and stupid and nothing or no one is going to convince you other wise.
At the end there we knew our marriage was over. We forgave each other.
Damien and I last phone conversation was on 10-17-05. He called me to find out the sex of mine and Josh's baby. I was almost afraid to tell him..it was a boy..
haha..we joked around a lot. He was worried about me..he was worried about my health. He told please take care of yourself...my girls need you for a very long time. he said my girls..meaning his...it was sweet to hear him say that. You need to know that Damien loved his daughters..but with his illness it was painful because he knew they needed him and he was sick. Damien suffered so much with his guilt. He suffered so much..you have no idea. My heart aches for him. I personally have struggled these last two years searching for my feelings and trying to understand them. How can I love two men? There is Damien, my first love. My chunky baby who always came home to me and asked for lovies. He made my life so colorful, but unfortunately life can't always be about throwing caution to the wind..Damien lived wildly, that was him.
Then there is my Josh. What can I say. I found a great man when I look at him and I melt. This love is wonderful, it's what I never had..and yes there are different ways to love. I guess I can say I have had true love twice. With Josh I actually feel it. I feel the love..and that I never had before.
So there we have it..my life is bitter-sweet. my heart shines and it aches. I know it is okay..I am still working out the sadness of my past and well i am only human.
I know I have plenty more good days then bad. I know that I am trully blessed and loved. My Josh understand how important Damien is to me and the girls. If anything Josh has helped understand my grieving. What can I say..all I can think is how it still hurts losing a loved one. Both Isai and Damien.
My beautiful Isai. I can't believe you are gone. Gawd it sucks!!!
I'm looking pretty bad here...snotface.
bye: